Thursday, December 2, 2010

Freedom Journey Report

One of my favorite books is titled "What was I thinking?   Things I have learned since I knew it all." by Steve Brown.   I feel like that so often.  I look back at my 'mothering' years .... during most of them, I was trying to raise 3 kids and I hadn't even begun to deal with my own growing up issues.  Looking back, I see myself as a hurting, defensive, confused kid on the inside trying to be a mature wife and mother on the outside.  I always felt pressure to 'do it right' and encourage others to 'do it right'....but so much of the 'right' was more of a pretend facade' 'I've got my life all together' picture for the world to see.  I always felt pressure to 'be an example'.  But, how can a kid even know how to 'be an example'...and then, an example of what?  My perfectness?  huh  Where do we get these ideas?  Living with this pressure is exhausting.  A lot of my life's journey, I have felt like God is slowly.....very slowly....working to set me free.  Free from wrong beliefs of who He is.  Free from pressure I put on myself and everyone else to BE something...not sure what, but something.    Free to actually love and trust people.  I could go on and on listing all the areas that I've been and still am bound in wrong thinking.  I've gone through so many life situations that challenged what I believe....made me go back and rethink things.  It's softened me.  Made me more compassionate  to the pain and struggles of others. Made me more honest - to deal with my own junk. Given me a desire to stop pretending.  Be real - honest - open with others.  I guess that's what age does, if you let it.  I always figured that by the time I was a in my 50's - I'd have life all figured out and be very strong and solid in my opinions and beliefs.  But....not so much.  I want to keep going on this freedom journey. 

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