Thursday, December 2, 2010
Freedom Journey Report
One of my favorite books is titled "What was I thinking? Things I have learned since I knew it all." by Steve Brown. I feel like that so often. I look back at my 'mothering' years .... during most of them, I was trying to raise 3 kids and I hadn't even begun to deal with my own growing up issues. Looking back, I see myself as a hurting, defensive, confused kid on the inside trying to be a mature wife and mother on the outside. I always felt pressure to 'do it right' and encourage others to 'do it right'....but so much of the 'right' was more of a pretend facade'....an 'I've got my life all together' picture for the world to see. I always felt pressure to 'be an example'. But, how can a kid even know how to 'be an example'...and then, an example of what? My perfectness? huh Where do we get these ideas? Living with this pressure is exhausting. A lot of my life's journey, I have felt like God is slowly.....very slowly....working to set me free. Free from wrong beliefs of who He is. Free from pressure I put on myself and everyone else to BE something...not sure what, but something. Free to actually love and trust people. I could go on and on listing all the areas that I've been and still am bound in wrong thinking. I've gone through so many life situations that challenged what I believe....made me go back and rethink things. It's softened me. Made me more compassionate to the pain and struggles of others. Made me more honest - to deal with my own junk. Given me a desire to stop pretending. Be real - honest - open with others. I guess that's what age does, if you let it. I always figured that by the time I was a in my 50's - I'd have life all figured out and be very strong and solid in my opinions and beliefs. But....not so much. I want to keep going on this freedom journey.